Dear Morph-Cloud

You have been with me, within and without for so long – you are a part of my life. When I was young you didn’t exist for me. When I became an adult you became me, forever shifting and melding to form yourself around me.

Sometimes I believe that you are me, that I am you – that we are indispensable, that we can’t live without each other. Other times I wonder where or who would I be without you? You are so very changeable – the days are different with you, the same patterns appear though like the weather, the seasons, the movement of my life. How I long to be free of you, Morph-Cloud – we have been together for so many years.

If only you would please turn over – I can learn to live without you. I promise you I can. I’m giving myself the chance to now, like I never have before. I can see beyond you, imagine a life without you. When light shines through your darkness I can sense another life, another me.

When you accompany other people (as I’m sure you do, as I’m sure you will) I will see you, I will recognise you – I will help others to do the same, to see you as I do, to know you as I do, to make our lives without you.

Until that time comes, these words will remain…

M

To the panic that erupts

I may have got better at squashing you, but I suspect you’ll always be there. Sometimes I wonder if you do in fact serve a purpose: whether you’re a warning of impending danger or a signal that all is not well. Mostly, though, I see you as a physical response to the mental explosions that people (or the sounds/smells they emit) cause within me. A sign, for me only, that it’s all too much.

You are a sign that my condition is about to overwhelm me. And I have to listen or I’ll become ‘one of those’ people. I look ‘normal’; I’m not – but keep that hidden.

Dear Pain In The Butt

I still find it difficult to live with you! You are an absolute pain in the butt!

I am just starting to come to terms with the fact that you are here to stay and I can’t get rid of you. I have to learn to like/live/adapt or at least tolerate you so I can get on with my life.

That doesn’t stop me from grieving for what I have lost… My freedom to walk cross country and feel free without restrictions to enjoy the seasons. The sight and the smell of the wild flowers and the touch of nature all around,. The beautiful landscapes and the never ending colours sights and experiences.

I am angry with you for being invisible and causing exhaustion from the constant battle of having to explain myself. For having to handle their pre-judgements and their assumptions; sometimes not said but implied and other times said out loud. It’s so hurtful when they put labels on you – lazy, fat, hypochondriac. Some labels you put on yourself, as you yourself are fed up of having a condition for so long… Without a resolution!

This is what I find so difficult as I was always a problem solver, and with patience, endurance and hard work I would always be able to find a solution… However long it took!

But now after all these years I am exhausted with it all and feel like I have explored every avenue. I am at a point that I have to accept you are here to stay. So I say to you: I accept you and I will adapt with you and I will make the best of what we are together and learn to LET GO of what I cannot change.

Dear Beloved Within

Don’t hide; be truth, explore courageously, for only then will you find that peace you desire. Be free to be you fearlessly, for this pain is only the contraction of holding the truth within. I will be free for there is no reason in life to be nothing but true.

Be still, be yourself, be honest, and you will see that you are blessed with a peace within that comes when you release your anxieties.

Be proud to be you, expose everything and then liberation will be the wind that blows you freely into a place where you can just be. Know this peace and you will sail freely.

x

Dear Eternal Companion

You almost brought me down but I chose not to be a victim because I would not be here now. It was a difficult process but I AM STILL HERE even though you made me feel like a loser, and tried to cause permanent damage to my sight and my balance and my self-esteem.

OK, so the self-esteem is certainly dented but I swam out of the hole you punched in it! I swam through the tunnel of depression; through the mist and around the glass wall into my future where I have adapted and learnt to live with my disabilities, focus on my disabilities and feel immensely grateful for what a good quality of life I have. This does not define who I am or who I may become. I just keep on swimming.

Best wishes,

Your eternal pal

Yo Scaredy Cat

It wont bite, life! Hah! Fooled you… ‘course it will…

Oh well. So life’s a bitch and then you die.

Life is a struggle… What are you going to do about it, huh?

Play some funky tunes.

Eat chocolate regularly.

Dance inside if you can’t dance outside.

Look really closely at the small things in life and find them beautiful. Photograph them!

Always dress for both comfort and style: NO compromise ever.

Don’t forget to laugh!

Be scintillatingly scared!

Love your pal xo

Hi you

You familiar grey smudge of uncertainty. Who makes me feel anxious even when I also know I am safe, that I am loved, that I can achieve and will achieve today. That grey smudge of lukewarm apathy and insecurity. That grey smudge which sucks all the colour and creativity and light and vibrancy out of the way I see myself and the world.

I don’t like you, grey smudge! Because the world is joyful and vibrant and I choose to see it as so. I know it as so. So hello, but also I’d like to see you less, please.

R xx

Dearest deep depression, sweetest suicide

How I don’t feel your heaviness and pull today. I am lighter, I am freer without you. I have so much more life, potential and future without you there. I couldn’t have ever imagined a day like this; a day when you weren’t there. I thought I was you and you were me, I thought we were forever entwined.

I’m not so foolish to think that you are gone. You lurk somewhere unseen until another day. I know enough now to cope through the times you possess me. The pool of unending swamp and mud that you require me to swim through no longer drowns me.

I will no longer cling to these days of freedom or resist and flight when you hold me down screaming.

Yours always and affectionately

Dear invisible condition

You are with me often. I feel like I know how to hide you and how to fool others into not noticing you. I am used to having you with me but would live happier without you. You make me anxious and a little closed.

I imagine you will be with me for a while. Maybe I should embrace you more.

Dear Society’s Fuzz

There is so much grey matter and many black holes. How do we navigate and stay above ground? How do we act to feel free and open? Why can we not access each other fully? When will this change? When will the white circle become the space in which we wonder instead of becoming tangled in society’s fuzz?

Hello Sunshine!

You are something I long for most of the year, then have to protect myself from when you appear.

In small doses you can help me to fulfil my ambitions, but prolonged exposure can mean I am left damaged.

You bring life and growth and joy buy only in combination with other nutrients. I realise now, you are all my failed relationships!

Dear worried self

It may be hard to ground yourself, control that worry in you. That nervous worry energy that is erratic and controlling. Stay calm, take a deep breath, know that the moment will pass. Feel the ground beneath your feet, the breeze across your skin and reconnect with the stronger you. Know you’re part of the world and you are good enough. You are good enough. You are good enough. Good enough. Yes, you are good enough.

I love you. All of you.

Even this part… You are not alone.

Dear […]

So you think he is unkind but could it be he is troubled? I mean, his behaviour is counter-productive, self-destructive and lacking warmth. He is human and surely was born with dreams of love and joy, greeted on that arrival day with smiles and tears of amazement. So tell me, what happened between this beautiful day and the unkind person you are now?

This is my question. Unkind or betrayed? I think it’s so much more complicated than that and time is so short for complete exploration. So we make do with simple labels.

Dear […]

Why is everyone so stressed? Human beings need connection with other people and with nature. Our lives are full of ‘false connection’ like social media and more time indoors on computers working.

Make the time in your life to walk, connect with nature, and take notice of the small things that make you smile.

We only have one life – please find things to do with your time that bring you joy.

Say ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ to people as you pass them. Smile!

Life is too short to be hung up on the details.

Dear […]

Riding the waves no matter their height has taken time. I used to freeze and let them crash over me and take me into a churning tumble.

Nowadays I have learnt that after a crash comes another wave and it’s far nicer to ride them, trusting myself and hoping I don’t get damaged. I have had luck so far. With age, my boat and the strength of my steer have grown stronger. Life has more stuff in store but as Renton in Trainspotting said, ‘choose life’. And I did, so I just have to steer into the waves and try to enjoy the ride.